Point of Man Update IV


Wow, its October. Sorry for the radio silence. A lot has been going on.  Last week, Fabric passed 13,000 sold on Amazon bringing total sales over 15,000. Unbelievable – because Fabric  is just an eBook. There is no print version, or advertising, or anything. That is all due to you, the faithful reader. I can’t thank you all enough.

Well, back to point,  my mild mannered alter-ego got sucked into a number of new deals and time has been short. I have missed a couple of deadlines, but that doesn’t mean I’m not pounding away. Point of Man is now in ACT III, around 60K words. It has been re-worked a bit. I’ve found that is the hardest part of the process. A change in chapter 35 ripples all the way back to chapter 1. Then, I get stuck rewriting that chapter. Case in point, one of the new characters is a thief. It was originally written as a man. I think it would  be much cooler if the character is a woman, so I switched it. You’ll be able to figure it out when you read Point. Editor has the final hatchet, but needless to say, it took some time re-doing it. So here it is, I think my goal is to get final draft out by Thanksgiving. 8 weeks to get 100K words off to the editor before I slip into my annual turkey coma. It’s doable.

Thanks for stopping by,

PW Abbenhaus

Stupid Mayans


Well it would seem the World didn’t end today, which I must say puts a torpedo in my apocalypse hedging strategy.  So, thanks to the crackpot Mayans, I will need to immediately address:

  1. The stack of bills I have been accumulating. I hope those nice bill collectors are understanding. Bank of America seems to have a sense of humor. I read their 10-Q’s.
  2. Christmas shopping for the family. T -72 hour mark, no problem. Has Amazon developed quantum-state delivery yet?
  3. Groceries – I guess we will now need to keep eating, even though we face the grim reality of a post-twinke civilization.

If that isn’t bad enough, I will also need to work through the long-range plans I didn’t plan on needing.

  1. Kid’s college tuition – I keep telling them that Judge Smails from Caddyshack had it right – “The world needs ditch diggers, Danny.”
  2. Retirement planning – I will have to renew practicing for my post-retirement job – “Welcome to WalMart, would you like to open a checking account today or buy live bait?”
  3. Senior-age Health Care – Pretty sure I won’t need it. My kids seem to have started really caring as I go up and down the steps. I appreciate the way they jostle and push me for encouragement. Maybe they did hear #1.

So there it is, thanks to the Mayan’s awful grasp on planetary destruction, my life just got significantly more depressing. Last time I listen to an extinct society.

Primary color missing, local school kids blue


I can’t really explain this, but, here it is – another Watley story.

Primary color missing, local school kids blue

BALLWINVILLE, MO – Freshly groomed children saddled with over-stuffed back packs, familiar yellow buses ambling through neighborhood streets, panicked shuffling as bells ring out the start of class…all scenes from a typical back to school year. Only this year, for one area school district, it is different.

“I don’t know what happened,” lamented Mary Lou Wilson, a pig-tailed first grader at Rolling Hills Elementary. “When we packed up my crayon box yesterday, he was there. Now, he isn’t. I really miss him,” Mary Lou said holding back tears. “I can’t draw sky.”

Mary Lou, like hundreds of other mystified students in the Rockhill School District, opened their crayon boxes only to discover blue missing from the usual assortment of colors.

“This is very disturbing,” an angry district superintendent Chuck Cousins said. “As you can imagine, we rely on the color blue quite a lot in our curriculum. For God’s sake, blue is a primary color. To have that color missing really puts a damper on our teaching abilities.” Cousins indicated the school district was working hand in hand with local authorities to quickly solve the mystery. For the time being, the district will substitute aquamarine for blue.

There are not many explanations for the absence of blue, but some suspect foul play. One area resident, Vera Owens, notified police as she discovered dozens of soggy blue crayon wrappers scattered among strange ice cube size cement blocks that had washed up on the shoreline of a large lake on her property.

Local authorities had little to add, but did confirm the lake was being drained. “We really can not comment on the blue situation,” said Detective John Phillips. “We are looking into the reports from Owens Lake and depending on what we discover this case may develop into something larger. We have a few leads but have questioned no one at this time.” The detective said for now the missing color appears isolated to this one school district,

Some people were indifferent to the missing blue. “Blue isn’t that big of a deal. I mean, sure blue’s a primary color, but it’s not like it’s a gemstone or anything,” local jewelry store owner Scott Merrs commented. “Plus, I’m really glad to see aquamarine get its do. It really is a much calmer, more peaceful color. We sell a lot of it.

Others shared the anti-blue sentiment. “Let me tell you something,” said one non-primary color who requested anonymity. “Blue was a pompous ass. He was an elitist, always looking down his nose at the other colors. He made sure to let you know he the most popular color and that kids loved him because he so cheerful and happy. Man, he would rub your face in it. It was sick.” The color didn’t rule out the possibility of foul play. “Blue always thought aquamarine was poaching on his turf. They had a lot of fights and some nasty ones too. Mind you, I ain’t saying I know what’s going on, because I don’t, but I think blue got what was coming to him.”

It is a sad start to a promising school year in this Midwestern town, a generation of kids that will grow up using red, green, yellow and aquamarine as their primary colors. “It’s just not right,” a somber superintendent Cousins said.

Guinea Pigs: the dumbest mammal


I was looking over some of my old scribbles and found this classic story I wrote for the Watley Review. I had to reblog it.

It’s Official! Guinea Pigs are the dumbest mammals on Earth.

Ballwinville, MO – In a somewhat surprising announcement today, a U.S. government agency tasked with finding the relative IQ’s of land based mammals published their final rankings. The meek guinea pig scored the lowest of all.

“We really didn’t expect the results we got.” said Dr. Tim Covington head of the Animals for Strategic Defense Agency. “The guinea pig display an extremely narrow range on our tests of basic cognitive abilities. You know, basic things, like not eating your own feces, remembering to breathe, or not urinating on yourself. All told, when we tabulated our results, the Guinea Pig group we tested actually scored a 0.5 out of 100 across the board on all of our intelligence tests. I have to say, that’s pretty hard to do.”

Covington declined to comment on why the government was conducting the tests, but noted that field mice and chipmunks were the big winners, scoring high in both cognitive ability and basic intelligence.test. As to the weak performance of the guinea pig, some were surprised, but few doubted the results.

“When you take a moment to think about the guinea pig,” noted famed zoologist Joseph Holsinger, “I think even Darwin would scratch his head. In a world filled with predators, they have no defense capabilities. They have very low environmental tolerance whereby small variances in heat and moisture can kill them. Their immune system is non-existent, which results in sudden death from even the most common strains of bacteria. Mix that in with the fact they are extremely nearsighted and don’t hear very well, you quickly conclude its a miracle this species has survived. As I see it, in the basic food chain, the guinea pig is designed to be nature’s equivalent of a Happy Meal.”

Dr. Covington concurred. “I mean, we know the guinea pig has a brain, but other than to keep its skull from collapsing, we are not really sure what they use it for. If not for children and pet stores, I think the guinea pig would have gone the way of the Dodo years ago.”

One local pet store owner who refused to be identified commented, “Oh hell yeah, they’re dumb. Funny story, I once had a Guinea Pig that choked to death while it was eating its own foot. True story,” the store owner said with a laugh. “Look, the bottom line with guinea pigs is, they are cute, they eat a lot, and they have a really short life span, all of which is good business for me.”

The much maligned Guinea Pig can do one thing well, though. “Yes,” said zoologist Holsinger, “the guinea pig can reproduce with the best of them. The average female can have up to 20 offspring in a year. That’s the highest rate among land-based mammals.”

The guinea pig – too dumb to exist, but smart enough to have a colossal sex life. Ignorance just may be bliss.

 

PW Abbenhaus

Thank You Amazon


When people find out that I wrote a book, after they lose the look of astonishment that someone as generally thick as me could perform such a task, they always follow with, why? It just kind of happened, is my canned reply. After they actually read it and I drop the look of astonishment that someone who associates with me actually has the mental horsepower to read a book, they say it was really good. Lesson one, never believe what your friends tell you. I am sure some of them probably think it really sucks, but they wouldn’t tell me. I always tell people it is OK if you don’t like it. Lesson two, write a book – get thick skin. Case in point, drop by my email to all my query rejections. I am remorseful for the billions of electrons I sent to oblivion sending those queries. Valiant little fellows. The real answer to the question is – I wrote my book for me.

So anyway back to the point – Amazon. I posted Fabric up there about a year ago. Didn’t really expect much and I wasn’t disappointed. Then, Amazon created KDP and the Kindle Fire. I promoted my book for free a few months back and
something happened. It was downloaded 2,000 times and was in the top three downloads in my category. Huh? The really, really odd thing is after that promotion Fabric continues to sell quite well. People have actually read it and posted reviews (all generally favorable). I actually sold 75 copies in Germany/France last month – What? The book is in English. Maybe it makes a better read in a foreign language. A few happy customers actually had the audacity to ask when the sequel is coming out. See the post below for my reply to that.

Now, the first thing I do every morning is check how and where Fabric sold the day before. Did I pick up a new review? Where does Fabric rank? Why don’t the people in Estonia like it? All of this is made possible by Amazon and for that I am truly grateful. They have become the marketplace for creativity and new voices that didn’t exist three years ago. God knows it is needed if you spend 15 minutes looking at the serial drivel being published these days. Amazon, I lift my frosty, cold Guinness to your success!